Seems like I might have started something. If so, I’m glad for obedience. Last night I was sitting down to relax when I heard the Spirit tell me to write. The spirit wouldn’t let up. I had been there before and knew-that was my grace. Shock of my life. I received some great messages from friends that took time to read my post. It sparked so many valuable conversations as well as a greater level of enlightenment. Of course, in my head-I thought that was the gist of it. Wrong.
Remember in the last post I was speaking about a book entitled “Fake Talk” by John Stoker. The book is uncovering so many layers. I had no idea the level of peeling that was about to occur. See the message below that I rattled to some friends over facebook early this morning in between work errands: (no edits-appears as written)
Good morning-i have to share a God blessing with you all this morning. Y’all know i’m a perfectionist and I place a lot of pressure onto myself frequently. But through reading, learning, and you all i’m getting better at letting go. Well long story short-i’ve been avoiding my boss b/c of fear of negativity with my search. This morning she pops over-of course im praying like ugghh-God take the wheel. She actually brought my blessing. She supported me and my search. She reminded me that last year I quit my search early worrying about my staff and she didn’t want me to do that again. She does not want me in Oct. to feel like-I passed up on a good thing. I couldn’t hold my face. I had to whisper “can i hug you?”-and we both cried. I was need in of support and couldn’t ask for it. See i built a mental pic in my head that folks are judging me b/c im judging myself. You have no idea how relieved I feel right now. I feel like i have a second chance to take my search slower but actually do a knock-out job applying for something real.
That moment could not happen until I let go. I mean let go with both hands like you are 7 years old on the bike that you have finally mastered to navigate without hands. It’s an exhilarating feeling when you can allow yourself to feel instead of numb. Hurt instead of hide. Cry instead of shame. And finally, laugh instead of complain. Everything is not right in my world right now. But, I’ve spent so many days as of late not really devoted to Jesus or anything healthy. Bogged down in feeling left behind or not good enough. Funny thing is-if you just let go (you fill in the blank) -see what God does in his own timing.
You can’t make a job hire you. You can’t make an estranged person love you. You can’t make yourself matter to a (fill in the blank) if it is not in the cards. But you can matter to yourself. When you matter you can forgive and not one up people. You can let a debt slide and know that good will find its way to you. You can hold your tongue and offer mercy when someone lashes out at you. You can even say a prayer-when someone smothers your voice in a moment of dire need to be important.
What you cannot do-is create a self-fulfilling prophecy by limiting yourself and others with what happened yesterday. FEAR will eat away at your soul, let alone your dreams. I was just speaking Fear all through my future last night-until heard my own words. I realized the future didn’t or wouldn’t have a chance until I found the courage to let go.
I will continue to add to this message of letting go and forgiveness but it is my prayer that where this message finds you-you will be able to take what you need and add to it. And if it adds a blessing to your moment please share. It’s not about me. It’s about the beauty of healing.