The Journey to Unlocking My Voice. This has been a long and arduous road. Natural born extrovert who processes a great deal aloud but still struggles from time to time to find the words or strength to speak for myself. Those that know me wouldn’t believe that this is a problem for me. On the other hand, those in my inner circle, are quite aware of this monstrosity and the amount of patience it takes to support the journey to finding my words. I imagine there are others somewhere who wrestle with the same monster. For that reason, I decided to talk briefly about my journey.
In my early youth, I was highly inquisitive and boisterous. There were no trees I couldn’t climb (literally and figuritively). My voice was my instrument and it help me transition into the woman I am today, for the most part. It was during my pre teen years that oppressive behavior from adults would begin to tear at my voicebox and silence me. For it was no longer, cute to speak your mind. There were appropriate and inappropriate times to communicate your thoughts and it would be best to fall in line. In everyday journey, we call this respect and timeliness when used with sincerity. This too can be maniuplated by intent. For those who required my silence didn’t always do so out of the sanctity of my benefit or healthiness. Sometimes my voice was silenced because it held a mirror to behavior and outbursts that were and are unacceptable.
As you would imagine, when a soon to be adult picks up on the social cues (healthy and unhealthy) of learning to be silent, habits emerge. It became habit for me shift my communciation in extremes. I would either tell you everything I thought you needed to know (telling you off) or I would tell you nothing at all. No middle ground. That wasn’t role modeled or required of me. Ahh, welcome the land of passive agressive communication. Spew out or shut down. This was my way of presenting thoughts to others becuase it had been successfully reinforced. Unfortunately, I struggled to put my finger on why I never received the results I desired during this age span.
Finally, enter my late 20s. Still roaring around with passive agressive communication but starting to hear more about assertive language. This is the time that being avoidant or accommodating began to suffocate me.
1 Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”
I had no idea why in arguments I could not find my words. So, I would shut down. I stopped “cutting people off” because my mom told me soon it would only be me and Jesus at this rate. I was fine with that too but I overstood the point even though I couldn’t find my words. I did begin to notice that long after an argument was over, my thoughts would clear and I could process. Once I processed, I was able to pinpoint themes and even identify behavioral/verbal triggers.
But the work of dreams would come in my counseling days. My Counseling supervisor inquired one day what I felt when in the midst of a session. I found myself truly perplexed. I had no idea what she was talking about because I didn’t feel anything. Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding-bells, whistles, and foolery sound off. We have a Bingo winner. I began to learn that all these years, I had been stuffing, numbing, and freezing my feelings. It was easier not to feel. Not feeling allowed me not to talk out of place, not to get out of line, and not to speak at the wrong time. Just as I was socially taught in my pre teens and young adult years.
So, how did I learn how to thaw out? Life and reading. Terrible life encounters would leave me bruised until I began to ask questions and dig deeper to search for my voice. I found myself frustrated with not being heard, understood, or even valued. Reading allowed me to absorb healthy content and strategies for finding my words. An author penned that when we freeze, we keep both the good and bad out. That would explain why it took me until 32 years old to believe in love. That’s another blog for another day 🙂 The more I kept digging, the more unraveling I would behold. Not only did I struggle with my voice in my personal life but it affected my work life too. People that exhibited poor communication would trigger me. I wouldn’t be able to find my words and I would either shut down, cut off, or build walls.
That brings us to now. I’m still on my journey to finding my words. However, I’m a little faster in acknowledging when I’m on my way to shutting down. I can even sometimes talk through my frustration without speaking harshly. It still sometimes takes a while for me to find the right words-but i speak that in advance. I am at a point where I realize I can enact boundaries to keep a network of healthy people around me. I can enact boundaries to have those hard conversations that forbid abusive or negligent speech. I can also choose when to walk away but learn to revisit a thing once heads are more cooled. Far from perfect, but I am happily moving towards my voice and using it consistently.
Whether you have your voice intact or know someone struggling with this, Be patient, be an encourager, and have faith. Everyone has a right to their voice. Everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone’s voice in some respect must be honored.
enoughfortodaysjourney 